He is healthy again and attacking life in his new city with vigour that is brilliant to watch, and finally after much pushing, dating again. But we are still as hung up on each other as before, and he is lonely. He is making a new life, slowly and not without a degree of guilt.
I am grieving the loss of him as a friend, as a lover, and the loss of the me i was around him. I am lonely in a room full of our friends, i cry all the time and i am reminded of him everywhere. That is just not fair, to me, to him, and more importantly to my husband and to my friends.
I wouldn't change his choices for the world. His job has offered him so much growth, and his health scare has made him more determined to achieve his goals, it is brilliant to see.
Makes my life in a broken city, with the same stuff, no motivation and the constant drama of earthquakes, insurance and road constructions, seem less.
He sees me continuing to have all the stuff he misses, and i see him moving forward. Both of us, simultaniously guilty, happy, envious and sad.
I value his friendship greatly, and i don't want to lose that too, but how do i cut off contact with the lover and not the friend. It seems wrong to lose both because one is no more. Like throwing out the baby with the bathwater, as my gran used to say.
