What to do about the emotional hole

My problem is it is a year since he said yes to the job that took him away and ten months since he left. And nothing has changed emotionally.

He is healthy again and attacking life in his new city with vigour that is brilliant to watch, and finally after much pushing, dating again. But we are still as hung up on each other as before, and he is lonely. He is making a new life, slowly and not without a degree of guilt.

I am grieving the loss of him as a friend, as a lover, and the loss of the me i was around him. I am lonely in a room full of our friends, i cry all the time and i am reminded of him everywhere. That is just not fair, to me, to him, and more importantly to my husband and to my friends.

I wouldn't change his choices for the world. His job has offered him so much growth, and his health scare has made him more determined to achieve his goals, it is brilliant to see.

Makes my life in a broken city, with the same stuff, no motivation and the constant drama of earthquakes, insurance and road constructions, seem less.

He sees me continuing to have all the stuff he misses, and i see him moving forward. Both of us, simultaniously guilty, happy, envious and sad.

I value his friendship greatly, and i don't want to lose that too, but how do i cut off contact with the lover and not the friend. It seems wrong to lose both because one is no more. Like throwing out the baby with the bathwater, as my gran used to say.

same, same only different.

I've been going thru a period of significant change, growth and adjustment in my life. All without changing much at all.
I have the same job, the same home, same appearance, same good health etc, the same furnature, the same friends, i haven't changed the type of clubs, parties or restaurants i frequent. I still love my husband just as much if not a little more as always. And yet my life, how i veiw it, and my place within it, has changed subtlely, but significantly.
By adding, one significant element to my life, i now need to reevalate and realign the other significant elements, how that one change has impacts simple decision processes and accept that others will now view me in a different light.

The trickle down effect, is that now i need to look at changing other things, things i have been putting off changing for a long while. I honestly wasn't expecting such a big, rewarding and fulfilling impact on my life, nor did i expect the transition to be so fast, and yet so easy. nor as far reaching.

i wonder if i knew that significant change was a probable outcome when i added the element in the first place... probably subconciously, as i'm far from stupid.

So has it been worth all the changes and unexpected challages? Hell yes! in so many expected and unexpected ways. I wonder what i have been doing right to deserve such a great reward.

Space and Time

Sometimes I miss friends, who have moved away, so much it hurts. One in particular, lives on the other side of the world now.
I miss her creativity, her unflinching loyalty, and her slightly cynical mind. There are times when skype and online chats just make it harder and the missing fresher.
Today was one of those days.
Knowing she is missing us just as much, is no consolation.

But, it is the friends that live close, and yet you cannot quite catch up with, that sucks the most. With busy lives, varied interests and work and family commitments getting in the way. Do you need to start making appointments to fit close friends in, or just rely on the fact that those deep, solid friendships need less constant inputs, and go for quality rather than quantity??

I live in one of the most beautiful countries in this earth. Having just been on holiday, in a scenic wonderland, reachable only by sea, and stunning in it's simplicity, it reminded me just how fantastic it is to sit back and watch the tides. To close your eyes and listen to the birds and the insects and relax fully. world class scenery, fantastic weather, great food, amazing friends and near isolation. what more can a girl ask for!
So rare to find such a beautiful spot, yet so few people. and even rarer to find such a great bunch of beautiful and amazing people to share it with.
Appreciating the natural beauty, the simple accomodations and entertainments for what they were rather than wishing for perfection and gloss. And having as much fun doing simple pleasures, as possible.
it was such a wretch to leave. i must plan for my return visit. the question is, was it the place, the people or the mindset that i wish to return to more?

turn, turn, turn.

Today i turned on the radio and that fab song by the byrds was on. I forgot how much i like that song.

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven.

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

Whether you believe in heaven, or not, it is comforting to put your life and issues into perspective.
To be thankful for the joys you have in your life, and the opportunities that enrich.
I am thankful. I have wonderful, amazing people in my life, and those people seem to think i offer something that enriches their lifes too. It is humbling and very rewarding.